"Casual acquaintances felt like it was perfectly reasonable to start asking me about my weight and size. Family members would tell me how good I looked now, and I couldn’t help but feel bad for me from a year ago, who I had loved, but apparently everyone else was thinking could be a lot better. I have never felt so uncomfortable in my own skin in my life. I — a woman who has always felt infinitely more defined by my thoughts and humor than by a number on a scale — suddenly felt very self-conscious about everything. All of this new attention found me wanting to be sure to hide my flabby arms (because losing lots of weight leaves a lot of skin) and saggy boobs (because I’d been either pregnant and/or nursing for the last five years). And no matter how wrong I knew it was I couldn’t help but think to myself, ‘If people think I look good now, they’ll really think I look good if I lose 20 more pounds.’ This sudden (undeserved) praise from others has really wreaked havoc on all of my previously held ideas of positive body image and female empowerment. I have no answers."
I can’t get over how perfectly this article captures the weird feelings that occur after a significant weight loss. After I (unintentionally, but not unhappily) lost a decent amount of weight while studying abroad, I came back to school and was bombarded with compliments which at first I took pleasure in, but then began to feel uncomfortable about. All I could do was wonder if all the things I liked about myself about before, my intelligence, my sense of humor, my passions, were being lost on people because all they saw was my weight. The fact that so often it was acquaintances who made these comments, and never my close friends, only seemed to solidify even further the idea that the people who knew me well could see past the fact I was “fat,” but others didn’t. Or couldn’t
It’s also a difficult issue to discuss (how do you say “It’s really frustrating how people keep complimenting how skinny I look” without it coming off as a humblebrag?) and no one really warns you when you lose weight of all the conflicting, confusing emotions it will bring up.
I feel shitty bitching about this but last year I had a rough trot and lost my appetite and lost 10kg. The worst shit was distant family members assumed that I had become a drug addict, and once when I was at a bar a casual acquaintance grabbed me by the arms like it was life threatening and told me to put some weight back on because I was “too smart to buy into such shallow beauty standards” (this was probably the worst one in the “bad” category of comments) but on the flip side I’ve gotten a lot of “you look AMAZING” “How did you lose it!?” and “don’t complain about how you look in front of (redacted), she’s self conscious.” Eating used to be the only thing fail-proof thing that got me out of a depression session and now food tastes like ash and I force myself to swallow. And the worst thing is on bad days I’m afraid I’ll gain it back, and then I don’t want to eat. Losing weight has proper fucked my brain.
I just ate a $5 bean burrito and said “bye, books” to the courier’s back as he took some boxes (of books) to a diff campus. Now I’m going to make a cup of tea and play emails until home time. And that’s it, that’s my day as a librarian thanks for reading
yo so how do you pick a career when you can’t ever see yourself living out the week?
“He does still surprise me and he makes me hungry to work with him and see what he does and comes up with. [The Master] was something that I came up with because I wanted to spend more time with him. We’d worked together a lot, five times. But it was never enough. It was a supporting part or something like that. It never felt like we’d gotten super dirty enough together" - Paul Thomas Anderson
well today fucking sucks
"When I was in college, a teacher once said that all women live by a ‘rape schedule.’ I was baffled by the term, but as she went on to explain, I got really freaked out. Because I realized that I knew exactly what she was talking about. And you do too. Because of their constant fear of rape (conscious or not), women do things throughout the day to protect themselves. Whether it’s carrying our keys in our hands as we walk home, locking our car doors as soon as we get in, or not walking down certain streets, we take precautions. While taking precautions is certainly not a bad idea, the fact that certain things women do are so ingrained into our daily routines is truly disturbing. It’s essentially like living in a prison - all the time. We can’t assume that we’re safe anywhere: not on the streets, not in our homes. And we’re so used to feeling unsafe that we don’t even see that there’s something seriously fucked up about it."
Jessica Valenti (via aquarie)
yesterday I ran full-bolt at my 12 year old cousin to say goodbye (I thought it would be all “down with the kids” anyway) and he didn’t see that it was me and put his elbow out and elbowed me square in the chest oh oh and he was holding a KNIFE and then the 12 year old gave me a lecture on safety while telling his younger siblings how what I did was irresponsible. point of my story is this: how did I even make it to 22
wolf of wall street was 3 hours of horrendous, sexist over-stimulation, with SPEECHES so many fucking speeches I can’t remember what was even said. oh yeah and he beats the shit out of his wife (OUR margot!) and then it ends with him all “oh thats right I’m rich” like we just watched some fucking music video no nup fuck that
"If men didn’t want to be assumed rapists, perhaps they should stop dressing like them. They’re practically begging for it. Also, men that don’t want to be thought of as rapists really shouldn’t be out late at night!
That’s when women are out and about, it’s just not safe and at that point they’re bringing it upon themselves."
eliza (via anarcha-pie)